We all have found ourselves within platonic or intimate relationships in which bonds are strengthened, new experiences are encountered, and jovial moments are shared. There are also moments within relationships in which fret, let down, and uncertainty occur. Whether you’re changing roles and pitching for a promotion or pursuing entrepreneurship and happen to be the first in your network to do so; there are many moments when the people around us levy the weight of complex emotions as we determine how best to navigate and embolden us with the confidence to do so even when we do not know how. Vulnerability happens in these subtle and real moments when others are allowed to witness us in uncertainty, doubtfulness, or frustration. In these moments of ‘not knowing,’ others are afforded opportunities to reassure trust in their support of your dreams and reassure you that courage comes in the face of fear and risk-taking.
But how do each of us strike a balance between letting others see our true self and oversharing disclosures in an attempt to manufacture safety, closeness, connection, or companionship? In long term relationships, this can become incredibly necessary to revisit periodically, as you might assume or judge, that safety and closeness has already been cemented. For many reasons, safety and closeness can change over time as partners experience life together and separately—each shaping their experiences, worldview, and beliefs as they change to accommodate emerging needs, wants, wishes, worries, and desires. Five strong considerations to stay vigilant of as your relationship grows with time are as follows. (1) Practice introspection as an instrument to building mindfulness of your intent versus your impulse. What motivations prompt oversharing in an attempt to demonstrate vulnerability in relationships in which the other ‘already knows’ you? Often oversharing may be driven by worry, desire for attention, or attempts to salvage components of a relationship in which trust has been deeply fractured. Introspection can be a great way to identify your own needs of which you communicate—instead of oversharing—with your partner. This is a way to redirect oversharing toward vulnerable communication. (2) Providing context is a unique way to allow your partner to gain insight into the intricacies of your thought process and how you arrive at solving problems, coping with discomfort, or simply understand the complexities that make deciding what to do difficult or seemingly impossible. Oversharing may not consider the role of context as timing is of greater priority. Vulnerability is paced individually, not set by the listener. It is considerate of boundaries and needs for individual safety as you build context with time. (3) Weigh the emotional impact of oversharing versus vulnerability. How do you feel after disclosures that feel premature or “too much, too soon": overwhelmed, anxious, numb? How do you feel after disclosures that do not feel rushed, considerate of your right to choose how quickly you open up, and have established emotional safety to disclose without fear of criticism, rejection, or judgment? As relationships mature, are feelings of safety that once existed still present and what happens when communication about the change occurs? (4) Identify your readiness to be vulnerable with your partner. Oversharing side steps the listeners readiness and is often not mutually appraised accurately. The counseling room, for many, is the first place they are offered the opportunity to be honest without self-judgment about the implications of being honest, transparent, or uncensored. If people-pleasing or deprioritizing your own needs and elevating others’ needs is a crutch for you, it can be frustrating and nerve-racking to consider honesty if it may not be favored by your partner. Therefore, spending time identifying your readiness to be vulnerable will help aid the exchange you plan or need to have. And lastly, (5) revisit often during non-escalative moments as each of you are travelling towards a shared or separate destination and at different rates of speed. No individual’s acceleration is faster than the other, but is appropriate to each person. And therefore should not be compared.
As a disclaimer, blog posts do not act as clinical recommendations outside of the counseling room. For non-patients, blog posts act as supportive self-help. Like and share!
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