Gender Roles and Emotional Labor: How Cultural Socialization creates Imbalance

In many cultures, paternalism and patriarchy govern many of the beliefs and attitudes children learn as they matriculate through childhood into adolescence and adulthood. Parents are tasked with rearing their children to be better versions of themselves and the people around them whilst preparing them for unknown conditions that may impact their achievement and success. For young children with developing executive functions, language, and reasoning skills, they rely on modeling from external agents to inform how and who they should become. As such, each of us learn how to behave through institutions of socialization such as home environments, schools, television and media, peers, and other community members within proximity. It is no surprise the impact an individual’s culture can have on the behaviors, attitudes, and characteristics they each adopt.

As children age and build their knowledge of who they are, how they are to be, and how rewarding or punitive the environment will be through achievements, relationships, or praise, similarities and differences emerge across gender. From Italy to China, India to Mexico, or Cuba to Colombia, paternalism and patriarchy touch most cultures and organize sets of practices historically assigned by gender—varying within each subculture and even, family. The rise and increased acceptance of feminism and human rights, today, challenges these historical binaries around gender roles, labor, and emotional expression and call to attention the imbalances and frustrations many individuals and families encounter. When children reach adulthood and enter more complex interpersonal and romantic relationships, many adults enter counseling via couples therapy or individual therapy to report strain/ conflict navigating their relationships when "healing" or unlearning unhelpful attitudes, beliefs, or traumas from childhood are a priority and necessary in pursuit of a more egalitarian partnership or lifestyle.

A common occurence observed in therapy is the exchange between couples via communication and emotional expression of needs, wants, or expectations. Couples commonly report difficulty being vulnerable with their partners, expressing emotions during conflict, personal accountability and responsibility, behavioral consistency, distrust and doubt, and conflict over parenting and household labor/ chores. What many couples and individuals in therapy are encouraged to consider or practice is exchanging cultural upbringing narratives about care and responsibility with each other. Exchanging individual histories can allow partners to learn some of the cultural values of importance whilst highlighting similarities shared and differences. Likewise, talking about observed conflicts when differences were visible and how they were managed can provide insight into possible expectations, avoidances, or areas to develop over time. How was care for emotions provided between partners during conflict? Or to what extent were emotions masked or displaced? What couples and individuals find in therapy is that their upbringing, socialized norms, and gender informs their relationship style and responsibilities and that these intersections cannot be removed from their experiences in relaionships or partnerships. As a conseqence, emotional labor is the responsibility of each but may not be the historical norm. If an egalitarian relational style is desired, here's how to start. Do not assume your partner shares a similar cultural background because of how they look (ethnically), speak, or from nominal information about where they are from (geographic or family). While there will be shared experiences that bring individuals together, over time or through cohabitation, individual cultural differences within unique families or communities have greater variance and a greater impact on perceived compatibility. By acknowledging differences, you can begin to communicate more honestly about perceived imbalances, expectations, and how to care for and be responsible to one another when expectations cannot be met.

As a disclaimer, blog posts do not act as clinical recommendations outside of the counseling room. For non-patients, blog posts act as supportive self-help. Like and share!