As discussions on vulnerability, ‘emotional intelligence,’ soft life, and modernity continue to inundate social media and podcasts—for better or worse—there are a plethora of reasons why vulnerability (and self-awareness) and subsequent peer evaluations of “emotional intelligence” do not consistently present in interpersonal and romantic relationships as often as many of us would like to see. Many, if not all, are valid and not without justification; however we may not have access to these justifications and explanations. They are not rights owed to us nor entitlements by having relationships, although they do compromise the quality of the type of relationship you seek and the relative weight of connection others feel from you.
One thing practicing as a psychotherapist normalizes year after year, is there are always narrative histories from people, like you and I, that inform why vulnerability is not shown or inconsistently practiced in relationships. Many of which undoubtedly may already be familiar to you such as culture, trauma, cognitive limitations, or personality. Nevertheless, I thought a blog might be a great way to share more discreet explanations why a partner may not or no longer be practicing vulnerability with you. As always, these considerations should prompt introspection and discussion rather than judgment or analysis of a partner to achieve an unknown expectation you may have for them.
Here are 3 discreet reasons, perhaps, your partner is not being vulnerable with you. (1) Typically the most common observation in therapy is fractured trust. ‘You don’t say.’ Trust is at the foundation of vulnerability and a fractured sense of trust in your partner’s willingness and ability to hold your disclosure with the utmost care, as they’d wish for their own deepest, private thoughts, is typically a glaring warning sign. While it may not sound like much to do, start by inviting them to share with you when or where the fracturing occurred and what language or words undermined the trust built. This is not your opportunity to correct nor clarify what you intended to communicate; your only objective is to ‘actively’ listen, acknowledge the impact it had, accept as their experience of you in these acute moments, and lean into
introspection about how you can convey your feelings, attitudes, or beliefs without reenacting the information revealed that led to the initial fracture of trust in your relationship. To note, this may not apply to persons with histories of clinically diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), nor abusive partners. (2) Needing the most patience in session, truly, is cognitive dissonance about self. This is perhaps the most nuanced of the three as a discreet reason your partner may not be demonstrating vulnerability with you and it may have very little to do with you. This is solely an internal disruption in vulnerability in which the way they see themselves is not what others experience them as. Likewise, often these kinds of people have beliefs and attitudes about vulnerability that directly compete with secondary beliefs, attitudes, and usually actions they may carry out or subscribe to—and they are grossly unaware. This might be a great opportunity to encourage them to speak to a professional as the emotional weight to “helping” them do it should be their task to initiate and follow up on rather than a request from you and a responsibility for you to do for them. And lastly, (3) vulnerability is not a right owed to know but a privilege your partner allows you to access. As stated earlier, there may be a host of explanations and multiple at the same time explaining why your partner is no longer vulnerable with you; however, vulnerability is not a demand but an exchange of emotional safety between partners. And safety cannot be measured nor timed by the witness of the disclosure.
As a disclaimer, blog posts do not act as clinical recommendations outside of the counseling room. For non-patients, blog posts act as supportive self-help. Like and share!
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