Vulnerability has quickly become a hot topic in every day life and on social media. More and more young people are affirming that vulnerability is paramount and central to demonstrating the type of emotional intelligence many seek from intimate partners nowadays. While emotional intelligence in colloquial spaces may have subjective definitions depending on whom is defining the behavior, one thing is certain in that wherever you fall on the spectrum, it is going to be a requirement for long term partnerships and relationships to consistently demonstrate vulnerability. While the survivalist resources of generation x and baby boomers are no longer as life threatening as they once were, vulnerability as a global community practice is quite still in its infancy amongst many populations— particularly communities of color in the US. While some research I’ve read exists and relays alternative means of vulnerability practices in the late 1800s and 20th century amongst freedmen and freedwomen, its application as discussed present- day lays a lineage of its value and its usage in relationships. From a time in which communities relied heavily on one another for resilience, independence has become both a vehicle and a chattel.
With so many people beginning to seek counseling and psychotherapy to work on themselves for the future relationships they wish to have, vulnerability has been a key factor in almost all of the patients I’ve treated over the past 4-5 years specifically. But how can independence be balanced with vulnerability in relationships? To start, unlearn the part of you that wishes to pick between the two. You do not have to. It is not one or the other; yet they both are instruments that help you check in with your true self as you navigate the world around you. Independence grows autonomy and your right to choice. And vulnerability is a way in which you build connection and intimacy with others. Start by (1) ignoring the pressure to choose between the two. (2) Get to know yourself separate from your inner ‘people pleaser’. What are your interests, pleasures, values, or fears? (3) Ask/ confront your worries of loss if the things you find meaningful, pleasurable, or
have dreamed of wanting/ having is compromised or threatened. (4) Lean into slowly communicating these ideas, thoughts, or interests as you build/ deepen your relationship. Disclosure does not need to be quick and/ or rushed. Oversharing is not vulnerability through communication. Ensure is it appropriate to time, context, and your feeling about the quality of closeness you have achieved. And when in doubt, ask. (5) Invite your partner to experience what it might feel like to have your dreams, interests, or pleasures stripped away not by your choosing. This is an opportunity to build empathy and trust through active listening. (6) Embrace interdependence rather than independence. (7) Negotiate the importance for each person to maintain their own separate identity from the relationship. This may include hobbies, interests, etc. (8) Encourage one another to spend time apart doing the things that foster a deepening closeness to oneself as stated in number 2. (9) Continue to communicate and invite your partner in to what is experienced when you connect with yourself doing the things that reinvigorate, recharge, or make you feel good about who you are. And lastly (10), utilize self-awareness by employing ‘self-checking ins’ with yourself (independently) as you evaluate how efficient balancing is going in your relationship and revisit in communication with your partner as you continue intentionality and consistently practicing vulnerability. And remember to adjust/ adapt as life flexes and pulls.
As a disclaimer, blog posts do not act as clinical recommendations outside of the counseling room. For non-patients, blog posts act as supportive self-help. Like and share!
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